Guest post by Jeff Auerbach, PsyD
The one thing you can control at work is you.
I recently discovered that being a “20+ year licensed psychologist” is a distinction of note. With this in mind, and when asked what would be the one most important tip I could recommend for maintaining one’s mental health, happiness, sanity, and equilibrium at work and at home, it would be this:
Master your own domain of behavior. Meaning, learn to take care of YOUR side of the equation, regardless of what any other person or party is doing, saying, or interpreting.
It’s easy to understand this idea, and the concept is a good one, but I cannot tell you how hard this is to put into practice. It means that in every situation you must dedicate yourself to controlling the one and only one thing you can on a consistent basis, and that is your own behavior—your side of the equation. At work this includes the times when:
- Your co-worker is irritating you.
- Your supervisor micromanages your project.
- You need to tell a direct report that they are not getting that promotion.
- Your workload seems unfair.
I’m not thrilled to report that this lesson has only come to me fully in the past few years, so it has been at least 30 years in the making and is the result of listening to thousands of other people’s experiences, as well as my own.
My psychological diagnosis? People are complicated!
For most people, when we use the current term “mental health,” this means their level of either stress and worry (anxiety), or sadness and self-esteem concerns (also anxiety, combined with some level of depression). And if I had to pinpoint the primary cause of all of this anxiety, worry, and concern, it would be people’s tendency to focus on the other person’s behavior. This means that people overwhelmingly worry about how others are interpreting THEM. Now we have two very distinct problems:
- How to solve or deal effectively with the situation at hand, such as a difficult discussion with a child or spouse, or getting your team at work organized and motivated for a project.
- Your own thoughts, feelings, and buttons that get triggered when attempting to solve these issues, and given that they all involve dealing with other people, other people’s subjective thoughts, feelings, and buttons.
The more you focus on understanding and improving your OWN behavior—your reactions, choices, and all verbal communications—and the less you focus on whatever the other person is doing (will they be upset? are they mad at me? did I do something wrong? why did they behave that way?) the more effective you will be in virtually any interpersonal situation in which you find yourself.
This approach works in any setting: Work, home, marital and dating relationships, in a job interview, or at a party. Since we are never able to control other people’s behavior, it is our ability to control our own behavior that will bring about the best possible result, regardless of the other person’s actions. Whether their behavior is helpful or not, constructive or not, YOUR ability to maintain YOUR side of the conversation will maximize your positive result, whatever the other person’s behavior may be.
With practice you will see results.
Every time you are engaged in any part of your life and other human beings are involved, nothing is simple, easy, or automatic, but once you integrate this practice into your life, you will see results. We tend to be very concerned about what folks think of us, and much of the stress and anxiety people suffer is largely self-inflicted. Take, for example, something as seemingly fun and simple as being invited to a good friend’s special birthday party, which has indicated clearly and sincerely “no gifts please!”
- You could simply show up happily with no gift as requested and have a lovely time at the party.
- You could spend hours guessing and then second-guessing whether they really meant no gifts and catastrophize that you’ll be the one socially inappropriate guest who comes empty handed and looks like a doofus.
Which choice will lead to happiness, equilibrium, and sanity?
So whether it’s a discussion where you need to tell someone they are not getting a promotion, or a meeting with your boss on a topic that severely pushes your buttons, or having to tell a co-worker that they are not holding up their end on a group project, the best chance for a successful outcome is to take care of your end of the dialogue. This means communicating in the most even, clear, and calm manner that you are capable of, and essentially “handling your lane,” regardless of the other person’s behavior.
Jeff Auerbach, PsyD, is a clinical psychologist, speaker, and organizational consultant currently in private practice in Pennsylvania.
